Reflecting and Paraphrasing

Rory Lees-Oakes: Today we’re speaking about the skill of reflection. Yes. I think that when we talk about reflections, what we’re talking about really is reflecting emotions.

So we have reflection and paraphrase. The paraphrase is repackaging what someone said and putting it into your own words. So the person who’s spoken can really understand that they have been heard and understood. But a reflection is a reflection of the emotion behind the words.

And I think it’s really important that when you are reflecting, you are trying to accurately as possible, match the emotion of the client when they’re talking about it. So that the client not only gets the narrative back, but also the reflection of the emotion they’ve spoken with it.

Because here’s the thing, sometimes people are a little unaware, or it’s on the edge of awareness, of what emotion they bring. I’ve said to someone, you sound really excited about that. And he said, am I? And then they paused and he said, yeah, actually I’m really excited.

And you can just see how being heard, understood, not only for the words you said, but the emotion behind it is so powerful. Because it shows that someone’s really paying attention and is really caring and listening deeply. And that’s what builds the relationship in therapy.

That’s one of many of the cornerstones of building a good quality therapeutic relationship.

Ken Kelly: I see reflection as a bridge, as you’ve just described it, and it’s the bridge between the narrative or the story that the person is binging and the actual feelings that are going on underneath that story.

I’ve got a definition, so let me put the definition in now. So definitions are usually quite cold and theory based, but I’ll pop it in for you.

So, reflection of feeling and/or meaning is the counsellor’s succinct response. So it’s usually gonna be quite short, a reflection. That captures the client’s experience, the content, the emotion, and or the underlying meaning. And feeds it back to check understanding and to help the client hear themselves. And it’s central to person centred therapy and to active or reflective listening.

If you’re learning a different modality, you’re still gonna use it as an active listening skill. And there are different types of reflection in counselling. You might have a content reflection, which I guess starts to edge onto paraphrasing.

So it’s gonna mirror the facts and the meanings that the person has brought. But then you have the feelings reflection. So it names the emotion. It might be like, wow, that, that sounds frustrating. And that invites the person to look within themselves and go, actually, you know what, it is frustrating.

In fact, I’m quite angry about it. So it allows the bridge from the narrative of the story into the actual feeling and then meaning or depth reflection, which it voices what is significant, what matters to this person within this narrative. And once we understand the theory and what types of, reflection there might be, we go onto why, what use is reflection for the counsellor and what use is a reflection for the client.

And we’ve touched on the client already, but it actually serves you as the counsellor as well, because it gives you an accuracy check. We’re looking for the music behind the words as you so beautifully put it, Rory.

Are we standing next to that person feeling it as they do? And it gives the client an opportunity to say, no, actually it’s not, I don’t really care about it.

It’s more X, Y, Z. So it gives us the opportunity to be corrected and be more in the frame of reference of the client. And it guides timing and direction. The client’s confirmation shows you where to go next.

It’s a process that you undertake together. And I guess then, what does reflection do for a client, Rory?

I think that it connects separate emotions, because one of the things that I’ve learned over the years is that sometimes emotions are pretty hard to pin down. Humans sometimes really struggle with them, and by having someone reflect back the emotion, it starts a process of, as you say, Ken, is that how I feel?

Rory Lees-Oakes: Or is it something else? By naming the emotion, you actually get into what the real issue is within that person. What can happen is they go, no, I’m not angry, I’m frustrated. So you’ve got some nuance there, but most importantly, the client’s now naming the emotion.

We’re taught emotions, and if we’re not taught them, what can happen is that they become confused or misunderstood. Anger’s a classic one, someone’s angry, anger’s a secondary emotion, it’s usually the bodyguard of shame or sadness or fear.

And you’re now starting to get really into what the client’s process is. And then that opens up a whole new avenue of discussion and self discovery for the clients. There’s a lot more to reflections than what might think in the first instance.

Ken Kelly: Yes. And it’s interesting that as a skill, it serves the client, but it serves us as the counsellor as well.

It gives us an understanding of where we are, where we might dive deeper. But as you’ve beautifully put there, Rory, it definitely serves the client. It helps them find emotions that they maybe didn’t have names for.

And I think it’s important to put in here that, reflection is not parroting. There are times where their words said back to them are enough as a reflection, and they can be really powerful. But we wouldn’t want that to be all that a reflection is. It really is the reflection of what we are feeling, empathically that is going on, or the meaning behind what is being, said.

I guess, where would we use reflection? I think that’s an important one. So we might use a reflection if the emotion seems to be really close to the surface for this client. And you’ll know it if you’ve been in practice or you’ve been in placement. You’ll see it. Where the client is touching on an area, and you can see the voice may crack slightly.

These might give us indications that this might be a powerful place to use a reflection appropriately and after a key disclosure or a metaphor. So if the client brings something meaningful. And you can see, they may say, I’ve been wondering whether I’m gonna tell you this or not, but here it is.

And then they give you something that would be an incredible place that would show reflection is important here. It says, I hear you, I see you, I understand what you are bringing. And it reinforces to the client that they were right to bring that, that you can be trusted with their information. And any other thoughts on that, Rory?

Rory Lees-Oakes: Yeah, I think just thinking about what you said about someone bringing really deep stuff. This happens when we’re working in a trauma informed way. So one of the things about reflections is that sometimes people may start off with just quite surface material.

It might be quite hard to get a handle on what emotions behind it, but when they talk about something really powerful and they, sometimes it’s, it’s like dropping a bag in a room where you can hear the thud and it really means business. There’s something going to happen here.

And I think it’s the same with therapy when someone drops a huge disclosure, being very close to the emotion of that is really important. Because it supports the client’s decision to bring this material. And it also provides an element of safety. So if there is the motion that you could clearly see when someone discloses something, if you reflect that emotion.

Then, you’ve validated the client’s decision to share something which could be really personal. So it does take time. One final observation is don’t guess emotions. Sometimes people will talk away and you think are they angry or they sad? Just take your time.

The emotion will come to the surface.

Ken Kelly: Yeah.

Rory Lees-Oakes: And when we, people might talk very succinctly about. Terrible things that have happened to them. And eventually you will hear the notes of the emotion and it’s, at that point I think it’s useful to reflect back. I can hear the fear in your voice when you talk about it. It’s the whole thing. It’s clients being seen for all their aspects, not just the story, but the emotion behind it. And it makes a big difference.

Ken Kelly: It’s the reflection of the entire person. How they’re sitting, where they’re looking, what their hands are doing when they make eye contact, when they don’t make eye contact.It’s a core skill of active listening. And when we’re actively listening, we’re not just listening to the words. No, we’re listening to the entire being of that person. I wanted to check out on the reasons where you would avoid using a reflection.

So we’ve spoken about where we might use reflections, and how it works for the counsellor, how it works for the client, a definition of what reflection is. But there are times where we can go, whoa, this is an inappropriate use of reflection, and we should always be evaluating our skills where we can.

Maybe after the session as you’re looking back, you might go, that felt like I was doing too much. Parroting, it felt a little bit mechanical. So we aim for the essence, not the echo of the client. So there’s an area where you might go, okay, hold on. I need to work on my reflections here.

Another time where we would not use a reflection, or we would use it incredibly sparingly, is if the client had asked us for any clear information. So if we were doing any psychological education, we would not be using a reflection in that. If we were doing safety planning with a client, we are there with a very specific purpose.

We place it one side for that and another time. That you would not, put a reflection in. Because remember, reflection is bringing you closer to the client in terms of that empathic bond. And basically you’re saying to the client, I’m on your side with this. I see you, I hear you. This is right. I’m with you.

So another time where we would not wanna put in a reflection is if we’re about to challenge the client with a risk, or a boundary that they may have been overstepped or if a risk is brought up in something that they say. We would want to just take reflection, pop it into the back pocket just for a moment or two while we deal with that.

That’s the business side of counselling and psychotherapy.

Rory Lees-Oakes: Yeah. And I’d also say, Ken, a referral. Sometimes, see people in a first session and you realise that, they’ve been misdirected, they may need another form of support.

What we don’t want to do is open a process that we can’t manage, or help the client close at the end of a session.

And, reflection does that, it really is the push button of helping the clients open up and starting a process. It’s like the start button on your car. you press it, and the emotional engine starts and you then have to work with that.

So don’t be too keen to use reflection on very practical things, such as contracting or even first contact on the phone. If you are making an appointment with a client, they may be telling you about what’s going on, but just be thoughtful. You don’t start a process before they’re actually, in the therapy room.

Ken Kelly: Journaling is absolutely important, it’s one of those skills that only gets more refined the more you use it and the more you reflect on it. And feedback, get that feedback. Agreed.