369 – Working with Shame in the Therapy Room

Working with Limerent – Feeling Out of Your Depth as a Student Counsellor

In Episode 369 of the Counselling Tutor Podcast, your hosts Rory Lees-Oakes and Ken Kelly take us through this week’s three topics:

Firstly, in ‘Ethical, Sustainable Practice’, they explore working with shame in the therapy room – how shame presents, how it differs from guilt, and how to work with it gently and ethically.

Then in ‘Practice Matters’, Rory speaks with Nadine Pittam about limerence – a powerful and often overwhelming state of obsessive romantic attachment – and how therapists can work safely and effectively with clients experiencing it.

And finally, in ‘Student Services’, Rory and Ken discuss what to do when you feel out of your depth as a counselling student, offering reassurance, practical guidance, and encouragement.

Working with Shame in the Therapy Room [starts at 03:24 mins]

In this section, Rory and Ken explore working with shame in the therapy room, unpacking the complex and often hidden nature of shame, how it presents in clients, and how therapists can respond sensitively and ethically.

Key points discussed include:

• Shame is identity-based (“there is something wrong with me”), whereas guilt relates to behaviour (“I did something wrong”).
• Shame often hides itself and may present subtly through withdrawal, minimising, avoidance, anger, or difficulty maintaining eye contact.
• Triggers can include criticism, rejection, humiliation, invalidation, bullying, coercion, or conditional approval.
• The cycle of shame involves activation, negative self-beliefs, coping strategies (withdrawal, control, emotional numbing), temporary relief, and reinforcement.
• Working with shame requires gentleness – noticing body language, naming shame carefully, and pacing the work to avoid overwhelming the client.
• Reflective questions such as “When do you first remember feeling this way?”, “Who taught you that you were not good enough?”, and “What did you need at that time that you didn’t receive?” can open healing dialogue.
• Separating identity from experience is central – helping clients understand that what happened to them does not define who they are.
• Supervision and reflective practice are essential when working with shame, both for client safety and therapist self-awareness.

Working with Limerent [starts at 33:53 mins]

In this week’s ‘Practice Matters’, Rory speaks with Nadine Pittam about limerence – a term coined by Dorothy Tennov to describe an intense, involuntary state of romantic obsession.

Key points from this conversation include:

• Limerence is not simply infatuation or love; it is an addictive, dysregulated state marked by intrusive thoughts and emotional dependency.
• It can feel life-or-death in intensity and may result in relationship breakdowns, loss of identity, and significant emotional distress.
• The limerent object is often someone partially known (e.g. a colleague, acquaintance, former partner), allowing projection of unmet attachment needs.
• Therapy focuses on the client’s unmet needs and attachment history, rather than on analysing the limerent object.
• The therapist validates the emotional pain while gently challenging the belief that the other person will “solve” the distress.
• Limerence may involve “eroticised abandonment”, where rejection or unavailability intensifies obsession.
• Clear professional boundaries are vital, as therapists themselves may become the limerent object through transference.
• This is often longer-term work, requiring emotional honesty, self-compassion, and sustained therapeutic engagement.

Feeling Out of Your Depth as a Student Counsellor [starts at 57:30 mins]

In this section, Rory and Ken explore the common experience of feeling overwhelmed or inadequate during counselling training and placement.

Key points include:

• Feeling out of your depth is common and often reflects care, responsibility, and commitment rather than incompetence.
• Imposter syndrome affects both students and qualified practitioners – it does not disappear after training.
• Clients may bring complex or distressing material that feels very different from classroom skills practice.
• Your role is not to fix clients or have all the answers, but to offer warmth, empathy, and a safe, non-judgemental space.
• Being deeply heard is rare and powerful – the therapeutic relationship itself is often the primary healing factor.
• If the work feels overwhelming, take it to supervision, personal therapy, and peer discussion rather than carrying it alone.
• You were accepted onto your course because your tutors believe in your readiness and potential.
• Developing robustness is part of training – feeling stretched can be a sign of growth.
• Reflective practice and open dialogue prevent self-doubt from becoming hidden shame.

Links and Resources

Counselling Skills Academy

Advanced Certificate in Counselling Supervision

Basic Counselling Skills: A Student Guide

Counsellor CPD

Counselling Study Resource

Counselling Theory in Practice: A Student Guide

Counselling Tutor Training and CPD

Facebook group

Website

Online and Telephone Counselling: A Practitioner’s Guide

Online and Telephone Counselling Course